Because of how quickly my brain moves, I don’t get nice slow, dawning epiphanies. I get these huge trains of thought all crashing into the station at the speed of your average meteorite.

So my day can be completely ruined by a huge thought in less than five seconds because I’ve spent too much time trying to figure something out and I suddenly understand its larger implications. 

Hell, I’ve almost lost interest in entire fandoms because of this. And it always seems to happen while I’m brushing my teeth and standing in the mirror. 

It’s actually really miserable.

Haha, oh man I want to kick myself as I type this, but it’s sort of true. 

In addition to the red hair that came out of left fucking field and the inability to develop burn scars, the women in my family have a history of mild precognition.

Most of the time it’s just dreams that tell me what’s going to happen during the day and near constant deja vu, but every once in a while, my gut gets to twisting and I know that something really good or really bad is going to happen. 
Like once I had a horrible feeling about leaving a forensics meet and as we were driving home we found out there had been a huge car crash about five minutes ahead of us in which multiple people died. It’s just this collection of gut-feelings that tell me whether or not I should do something and I’m usually apt to heed them, because bad things have happened before when I don’t listen to them. Usually little things, but enough that I like to listen.
I just kind of have a very acute sense of the way the world is turning around me and not a lot catches me off guard if it’s important.  

Bottom line is, if I tell you that I really don’t like the idea you’ve presented me with, it might not be such a bad idea to listen. 

(Oh and lets not even mention the more coherent whispering I hear when I fall asleep.)

Case in point: Derek just not getting why knowing Davesprite is fine only makes things /worse/ sometimes. Or, you know ANY TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID THOSE FOUR STUPID WORDS, “IT’S JUST A STORY.”

on that one four-letter one, every single time i have taken the written one i have gotten 

INFP
and
INTP

in equal measure. every single fucking time
sometimes I talk about how I feel like two people in one mind
well that’s it
it’s about how I can think two totally different and separate things at once
or feel two totally different and separate things at once
and be able to distinguish between these two different and separate things and then act on both via compromise

I don’t make black and white choices and I guess that’s weird but
I have a really hard time fitting into boxes because I try so hard to be actively unique that I end up fucking up the curves

I think the problem is that I’ve read too many books so now I’m sitting here thinking every question is the Sphinx’s riddle and that I must always answer outside of the box.

Great for real-world problem-solving and fantasy novels, horrible for personality analysis.  

Read More

I want to have my dad write something out and then have it put on. 

See, I keep having this phrase pop up in my head and it won’t leave me alone. It gives me courage when I’m afraid and kind of acts as a center and I think I want it on my skin, on my collar bone or the inside of my wrist or arm. I also like that my dad writes in all capitals all the time because it fits. Pretty simple, really. Just:

“I AM THE LION.”

It’s one of the many “things my father gave me” — another phrase that keeps bouncing around in my head. The words themselves are not his, but the messages they reflect certainly are. He has always told me that life is a battle and that the second we stop fighting is the second we stop living. It is a reminder to me to be strong, to continue to fight, and to lead regardless of how I feel about it because I am a leader. 
It gives me courage and tells me who I am — I am the lion.  

Or maybe I should say passively? 

Part of it is that I’m kind of shy and don’t like stirring if I don’t have to, and another part of it is that I don’t like having to make my own decisions sometimes and would prefer if the world could do it for me, but I think maybe the biggest part of it is that I want to know that I can get through anything. If I live reactively — letting the world happen and then making the best out of what is left — then I know that I can cope. If I am accustomed to not always getting my way and having to deal with the consequences, then I know that I’m better equipped to handle real, unavoidable, life-altering things. 

I like the idea of the world giving me opportunities. I like the idea of taking life as it comes. 
I know that I need to get better at asserting myself if I ever want to get anywhere, but right now I really like the fact that I can handle just about anything that is thrown at me. 

Read More

have i ever told you that one of my biggest dreams is to work for NASA? I want to make the Beanstalk happen. I want to send men and women into deep space to explore and discover.

it is one of my sincerest regrets that I’ll never see the universe. all I want is to take in the beauty of the foreign Earths out there and see the glitter of their foreign starry skies. 

I just really like space and want to live there. 

Well that’s vague, so let me clarify:

I’m really artistically insecure about the fact that I have to sketch in all of my lines and then thin and smooth them as I go. I’ve always felt that smooth, perfect lines are something that you either have or you don’t. Like, I can’t even scribble without sketching and it’s absolutely maddening. 

I feel like I should be able to get a decent rough sketch going without having to spend five minutes erasing the garbage lines I accrued along the way. 

I love line-fixing and smoothing as well as cross-hatching. 

Also, the tablet that I’m working on right now doesn’t have its driver software installed, so it has no pressure sensitivity, which means that I’m having to do all of the weighting by hand, which is reeeaaaaally relaxing. 

Mostly they include the description of characters and eyes. 
If I so much as see the word “orb” and Doc Scratch is not involved, I will probably be hitting the back button feverishly.
The same goes for whenever a character is described by their hair-color or title. Just. No. I’ve actually made it a point in my own writing not to do this, which is why you’ll see me use names, pronouns, or nothing at all.

There are also a couple of word turn-offs for me, but they’re not that bad and I can get past most of ‘em.

Which is kind of the whole kicker with my writing peeves. If I like the pairing enough and the characterization is good enough, I can ignore a lot.  

I have waking nightmares and stuff a lot and one of the most often recurring themes is losing someone or something precious to me

like my mom or my dad
or an arm
or Holly or Linnea 

and it tears me apart

it’s like how every day when i walk up the stairs i’m struck by the idea that I could just fall and die right then and there and then i see it in my head

i am the same way with other types of loss

it’s like i’m being haunted by the ghosts of things which haven’t happened yet. it’s a special kind of anxious torment 

while sherlock was in the off-season and i read aotw i started to … forget what the actual canon was

and

i sort of forgot that sherlock was alive and did not have brain cancer

and would sometimes cry in my sleep because i had freaking dreams about it

and it was so awful i can’t even
just ugh
but it was so real to me

sometimes i still get this thing where i feel like the actual show is the fanfiction because there is no way that the thing which is least sad would be most true if that makes any sense